About Aging Parents: Can We Talk?
Seriously, can we?
What do you mean, you ask? We talk all the time. In person and via phone, video, DM, EM, and text. The question is, what and how are we communicating, especially when the stakes are high?
Here are seven steps for keeping the lines of communication going when problems arise and tensions mount as you care for your elderly parents with your family. They’re equally powerful for navigating difficult conversations with your adult kids, spouse, or other loved ones.
Release assumptions. It’s easy to assume that someone else will do, say, or understand something a certain way. But when they don’t, resentments can pile up more quickly than January snow drifts in Syracuse. What are you assuming? How might someone else interpret the same thing? It’s easier to arrive at a place of understanding when you allow for more than one path.
Repeat and clarify. Ask questions and repeat back what they said in your own words. Did your sister agree to give you a break by handling Mom’s care this weekend? Define what “weekend,” “care,” and “break” mean to both of you. She may be planning to check in with the paid caregivers once on Saturday and Sunday, texting you with any questions. You may have thought she was coming Friday evening to stay over at their home while you escaped uninterrupted till Monday morning. Big difference.
Ask. Do you feel the weight of the care burden pressing in on you? Do you just wish someone would lend a hand? Ask. They may not know what to do or how to help. True, they may also be unwilling or unable to offer the support you need, but you’ll never know unless you ask. Breathe. Try to address any bitterness first so it doesn’t taint your request.
Listen. We all understand the merits of listening. "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." (James 1:19) But when a sensitive subject comes up—say, Dad’s driving—you may think there’s only one right answer: take away his keys. Now. Rather than bulldoze, listen respectfully to your family’s differing perspectives. You might come up with a creative solution together.
Observe. Listen with your eyes. You can pick up on unspoken messages by watching body language: how your brother sits, what your sister does with her hands, where your mom directs her gaze. Deepen the conversation by gently troweling up information they may not be sure it’s safe to share. Ask if they feel uncomfortable or concerned and give them space to verbalize if they wish.
Speak up. You may have been deeply hurt by something your brother said or your sister did. Unless they have a history of abusive behavior, it’s likely that the slight was unintentional or arose from their own place of pain. Rather than smoldering in silence or slamming proverbial cupboards in anger, tell them how you feel after some time has passed for the initial sting to wear off. Extend to them the same grace you would want in their shoes.
Enlist mediators. You and your family have gone around the hot-button subject (e.g. moving Mom from her home) a dozen times with no solution in sight. Tempers are heating up from slow simmer to full rolling boil. Maybe it’s time to bring in an uninvolved third party. Social worker, therapist, pastor, lawyer, or friend: find someone with experience in this matter or who is known for their wise counsel. (Consider asking your parents to appoint an executor outside of the family, as well, if carrying out their wishes is likely to create division. More on that later.)
Finally remember, God is generous to supply wisdom when we are humble enough to admit our need for it. (James 1:5) Prayer lubricates the hinges of our hearts, opening effective, caring communications with our family.